Are You Trying to be Perfect?

Many people worry about what others think of them, and behave how they think others expect them to. However, women seem to have the idea that they must be Super Woman. Times have changed, and many women have jobs outside the home, and yet they still cling to the “standards” of the full-time housewives of the 1950s.  Women have a “code of conduct” that would wear out a dozen men.

Women think they have to be great housewives, perfect mothers, fantastic chefs, and the perfect partner. Without holding the same standards for the rest of their family, or even friends, they set themselves up for failure by expecting too much of themselves. Everyone wants a beautiful home, perfect children, and the happiest of spouses, and think it is their responsibility to make all of this happen.

We can make restaurant worthy meals, chauffeur our kids to every event, have a spotless house, and look fantastic for our spouses. We can spend every waking moment “making things perfect,” but at what cost? Are you too grouchy to have fun with your children? Are you mad at our husband because you cannot keep up with the messes? Are your kids afraid to play with something for fear of making a mess? If everyone is mad or afraid, or hurt, are you really doing such a perfect job?

Our biggest critic is ourselves. Why is it OK for the kids to get a B, or our husband to forget a birthday, but we cannot forgive ourselves if everything isn’t perfect? Why are our standards for ourselves so much higher than those around us? Why must we be perfect, when those around us are allowed to be imperfect?

One day, a very wise woman shared with several younger women the problem with these higher standards held only for women. She explained it like this:    

Imagine a large pitcher sitting on the counter, and several glasses all around it. You, the woman, are the pitcher, and the glasses are your husband, your kids, your friends, and everyone you have commitments with.  The pitcher’s job is to fill the glasses. So, when you are full, you can fill them up quickly. However, as you fill them, you are giving up yourself, to fill others. 

 Eventually, you, the pitcher, is empty.  Now what?  Those who you gave to cannot fill you up. They needed that for themselves. So now what? You can’t fill yourself up.  If you try to refill yourself, you can only do this by being demanding, grumpy, angry, or mean. That doesn’t help anyone, because there’s nothing there. 

This is where women need other women . . .  friends, family, and even strangers.   We need other women to refill us, so that we can continue to fill those who are counting on us. We need these women to support us. To tell us we are doing a good job. Confirm that our feelings are normal. Those who will make us laugh again. Those who will confirm our worth.

We need others to help us refill. But, there is a way to make the need for refills less frequent.  Ask for help before you are empty. Lower your expectations. Do the kid’s T-shirts really need to be ironed? Could the kids just put all their toys in a box, instead of on shelves?  Sandwiches once in a while for dinner won’t kill anyone. Could we eat on paper plates some days? Does everything HAVE to be 

perfect?

If the house is healthy, and happy, maybe we are expecting too much.  If you are concerned that someone might show up and you’d be embarrassed, ask for help. Get the kids to help (even little ones can play a game of picking things up and putting them into a box). But most of all, don’t set higher standards for yourself than you have for those around you. And don’t set them so high that those around you are unhappy. The world won’t fall apart if everything isn’t perfect.

The most important thing is: Don’t let your own vessel run dry! If you do, you cannot nurture your family!!  So, ask that friend out to lunch to vent, or just laugh.   Go get a manicure. If you can afford it, hire someone to clean the house once in a while – there are teens out there looking for work! And many lonely people who would love to earn a little, and help you while you spend time with them. Find those who can help you refill. Find things you can do to refill. Don’t neglect yourself and then blame others.
Get those refills every chance you can. You never know when there might be a drought.

So, Pitchers (Women) of the world, band together to keep each other full. That way, when we need a refill, there will be someone available for us!!